Why I’m Taking a Break from Making Music

*last updated Aug 2022*

For those of you who don’t know, I once used to be called Kattronique. I am, or was, an electronic music producer for the last ten years. Some of my musical highlights included being the first female to top the local Indigenous charts in 2012, performing at the Tobago Jazz Experience in 2014,  and becoming a DJ in 2015, where I DJed at events such as the first Oil Down in November 2015, and the first New Fire Festival in 2016. But as of last year, during my breakdown, I decided to take an indefinite break from making music and performing. I deactivated my Facebook page, as well as my Instagram account. At the time, it felt like I needed to be like a snake shedding skin. Well, that was one of the layers that was shed.

Lately I’ve been seeing and hearing ‘ghosts’ from my past identity: my musician friends and acquaintances. When they ask me what’s been going on with my personal projects and I tell them I’m taking a hiatus, they’re shocked. Yes, music was my whole world. I almost gave up working full-time to do music full-time. But somewhere along the way I lost my zeal, and with the breakup that was the last straw. I’m still healing. I’m still trying to find myself back. I don’t know when I’ll fully recover.

Speaking of ghosts …

A few weeks ago I heard from this one guy who’s also good with my ex. He told me that he awkwardly found out from my ex that we weren’t together any more. Fine, that’s our fault: we weren’t big on announcing our relationship status on Facebook; we certainly weren’t going post a public ‘divorce announcement’. It’s not like we’re celebrities anyway. That’s our private business, and we’d certainly enlighten anyone who asked us personally.

But then this happened! He then said that he hoped that we could work things out, even if I’d probably moved on by now. I was speechless, but also incensed. Let’s just say I didn’t take his sentiments well, even if well-intended. I wonder if he even said the same to my ex! Maybe he did, I wouldn’t know, and didn’t care to ask. But of all the things to say, surely one wouldn’t pick that!

A world where my ex doesn’t exist …

This may seem harsh, but the thing is that for the past six months, I’ve tried to pretend that my ex doesn’t exist. I’d like to think he’s just some guy I made up, like the fake boyfriend I had once whose name was ‘Eddie’. But alas, it is not so.

Lately there’s been constant reminders that he does exist. If it’s not my ex himself calling to find out about a song we were co-writing together, then it’s hearing from anyone else directly associated with him. Some of our other recent interactions concerned some loose ends with the business that have finally been tied, as well as seeing him when I had to purchase gear from the store at which he works. Every time I see him, I feel depressed. I don’t want to have to see him or think about him and the awful past. I just want to move on with my life and heal.

But hearing from this guy that he wished my ex and I could work out reminded me of all the times I hoped the same thing for myself. It made me think of all the effort, all of my heart and soul that I had put into our relationship to make it work over the years, to no avail. My friend didn’t know, but it reminded me of all of the relationship trauma I’d encountered. So I instantly fell apart. I started crying in a public space (work), trying to muffle the sobs. All of a sudden, all the questions and feelings I didn’t want to remember came flooding back. Especially the persistent question ‘Why?‘. ‘Why couldn’t we work out?’ 

But I already knew why. That question was already answered. So why was it still humbugging me? And that’s when I realised why I’m still not ready to resume working on my music. I still haven’t fully healed, and I’m somewhat worried I may never heal.

… cuz the reason is him

The reason why I’ve continued to take a break from music is because of him. Whenever I think about working on music, I want to cry. For seven years my musical identity was wrapped up with this once significant other who is now gone from my life. And I just hate whenever my past reminds me of that someone. I don’t want to think about him. Thinking about him brings back feelings that make me very sad, because I do wish things could have turned out differently. But we just didn’t work out. And I don’t think we should get back together because I don’t think either of us will be the person we wanted each other to be. So no, sorry my friend, but that will never happen.

But don’t worry …

I haven’t given up completely on writing music, however. Sometimes an idea will still hit me and I’ll write it down. I’ve even been dabbling with the idea of a side project under a new moniker (and it’s a really cool moniker too, btw). New music won’t be released any time soon, but rest assured the old creative brain is still churning.

Anyway, what makes me happy right now is writing stories, as well as these blog posts. I’ve wanted to blog since last year, but things didn’t work out. Now I’m teeming with creativity, and it’s all because of writing. I have dreams of being a published author. I would still love to focus on music again, but I have to take it slow. I have to make sure I’m truly ready.