Let me just clarify one thing: this fast wasn’t inspired by Lent. The time period doesn’t even coincide with Lent. Taking a break from dating just happened to be a conscious decision, after I got so fed up of spending my time thinking about men and dating. But before I explain why, I need to give you an idea of the background, which began with my breakup roughly six months ago.
The background
The day after I broke up with my ex, I went to New York with my mom to attend my uncle’s funeral. We stayed there for ten days. I was grateful for the timing, because the funeral and spending time with family would surely help to distract me from the demise of my relationship. It certainly didn’t help, however, that my ex was still contacting me while I was abroad. It made me miss him a bit, but I didn’t want to miss him. Every time I missed him I’d want to get back together with him. This time this couldn’t happen. This time I wanted to acknowledge that we broke up for a valid reason, and that we proved that we just weren’t good together.
When I got back from New York, I called him to clarify why he was still contacting me. I wanted to make sure that he didn’t entertain the notion of us getting back together. He started off by telling me that he knew my uncle died, so he was just trying to be a good person by making sure that I was okay. Then, in a bittersweet kind of way, he told me what I needed to hear: that we weren’t ever getting back together. I needed that closure. I needed to know that the door to us was finally closed. But to make sure that the door was sealed shut, I decided I needed to date again as soon as possible.
Dating with apps
We live in the smartphone era now, where there’s an app for virtually anything. So it was only natural that I would give dating apps a try. At first I was wary of Tinder, because it has a so-called reputation of being a ‘hookup’ app. So I initially tried other apps like Coffee Meets Bagel, and even Ok Cupid and Blendr/Badoo. Coffee Meets Bagel gave me no prospects at all, while Ok Cupid and Blendr humbugged me with unsolicited requests, and I felt bad every time I had to block those guys. So eventually, I gave Tinder a try.
Tinder wasn’t completely great either. I definitely preferred Tinder because there were way more prospects there than there were on Coffee Meets Bagel. I also liked the fact that only matches could contact me, so no more unsolicited messages. But I guess my expectations were too high. At first I was extremely frustrated with my matches. We’d begin talking and there’d be a flow of conversation, and then eventually it seemed as if their interest waned. So then I’d unmatch them. Sometimes we’d just be talking and talking and it would go nowhere.
What I wanted was a date. And it seemed like no one was interested in dating me. Was something wrong with me? My pictures? My bio? What was I doing wrong? I was taking everything really personally.
I deleted and re-installed Tinder on my phone multiple times, and tried the other apps again too. Then my therapist encouraged me to not be so picky with my matches, and to not take Tinder so seriously. By following her advice, I started to relax a bit more, and widen my scope. This then led me to my first date.
My first date
He was a really nice guy, and probably really what I needed at the time. My first date was completely different from my ex. He seemed way more sensitive, more considerate and more romantic. He was also very good-looking and charming. And whoa, the chemistry was amazing. I really enjoyed spending time with him.
We got really close in two months. And then I found myself falling in love with him. I didn’t fully realise it at the time, but I was quaking inside. While I really liked him and wanted to be in a relationship with him, I really wasn’t ready to get back into a relationship with anyone. I hadn’t been single in so long, that I really wanted to enjoy my alone time, and put myself and my goals first again. Oh yeah, that’s right! I was supposed to dedicate more time to my goals and myself, after I spent so long putting them on the back burner. What was I doinggggg?
Anyway, I continued to see this guy until something happened that led him to not want to see me any more. As much as we had an understanding that we weren’t going to be anything serious, we still acted like if we were pretty serious. I clarified again and again what we were, and based on the fact that he agreed, we seemed to be on the same page. Until one day we weren’t.
Let’s just say I made a mistake of promising something that should have never been promised in the first place. To this guy, promises were a big deal, so when I decided to be honest and tell him that I couldn’t keep that promise any more, he said he couldn’t trust me any more, and decided that he didn’t want to see me again. Oh well.
The swiping continues
Well after the first guy, I went on dates with three other guys. Two of those dates were fine, while one was a complete disaster. And I continued to swipe in the hope of finding more dates. But then my prospects started drying up. And then even though I continued to make some matches, the conversations were either not going anywhere like before, or not going at all. Clearly, as much as I was supposed to not be taking Tinder seriously, I still very much was.
A sign from God?
My frustration finally came to a head around March 20th, when I decided that maybe there was a reason why I wasn’t finding any good matches. I’d realised early on that dating was just another distraction from focusing on what truly mattered: myself and my goals. Then dating was no different from being in the relationship I had with my ex, where I continuously put his needs first instead of my own. All I’d accomplished was filling this void where my former relationship used to be. Now I’d finally come to terms with that realisation, and there was only one thing to do.
My 40 Day Fast from Dating
Finally, I came to a conscious decision to cool it with the swiping, at least until the end of April. During this time, I’d truly focus on myself, as I should have been since the breakup. I’d get to work on my goals, such as applying for a masters programme, and working on this blog (heyyyyy!).
I’d have to say it hasn’t been easy. That first week of my ‘fast’, one of my coworkers announced that she finally started using Tinder, while another bestie started going out on dates with people he met on another dating app. Hearing their dating stories had me feeling a bit left out and depressed about my love life. I cried on some of those nights and prayed to be more self-reliant and resilient. Why did I feel like I needed to date someone anyway? Or have a guy ‘stroke my ego’ by talking to me and showing interest in me? Why did I need so much to feel needed by a guy?
And then, my inner goddess stirred within me and reminded me that I don’t need to be needed by a guy when I can regularly remind myself that I’m worth it. I realised that I needed to start doing a better job of affirming my own self-worth. So I started doing just that. I’d talk to myself in the bathroom and give myself pep talks. I’d look at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am. Then I even tried hugging myself. And well … who knew that hugging yourself could make you so emotional? The first few times I cried during the act, perhaps because it felt like I was finally accepting me for who I was. But after a while I embraced it, and there were no more tears.
What I’ve learned so far
There isn’t anything inherently wrong in wanting to be with someone, or wanting your ego to be stroked. I think the problem is when you depend on it too much to affirm your self-worth. I don’t think that’s healthy. And while I’m certainly not ready to be in a relationship any time soon, I certainly was guilty of needing to feel like I’m desirable because people wanted to date me. What I know now is I’m desirable no matter what. I have wonderful traits about me that should honestly make a guy feel lucky to be with me. And the fact that I won’t have a date this Saturday, or the Saturday after that, won’t change any of that.
It still is hard some nights, I won’t lie. I sometimes miss having a significant other in bed with me, where we can talk to each other and cuddle and be intimate. But then I tell myself that everything will be okay, and that the feeling will pass, and my spirit feels a bit lighter.
I’ve actually gotten a lot of joy from going after my goals. Starting this blog has been such a delight to me. I love writing and expressing my thoughts and sharing them with everyone. And while I’m still worried about how I can afford a masters, I’m slowly starting to believe that things will work out, and I will realise this dream of mine that I’ve had for a long, long time. And while I make myself busy in pursuing my goals, the need for intimacy doesn’t feel quite as strong. It’s sort of taken a backseat lately, where it truly belongs for now.
Finally, I’ve also been worried about when my ‘prince’ will come, and if he ever will. The fact is that I’ve gotten a taste of who this dream guy of mine will be like, in terms of the ideal traits and qualities I’m looking for. I got this taste when I went out with the first guy I started dating post-break up. Sure things didn’t work out, but it showed me that there are really nice guys out there who are just what I’m looking for. So when I’m ready to be in a relationship again, when I’ve worked on myself and followed my dreams, then I’m sure my dream guy will find me.
