It’s funny because I’ve known for some time that I’m scared to ask for what I want in life. I’m scared to ask for what I want because I worry too much. What if what I want won’t happen for me? But I guess that’s the thing isn’t it? What I want isn’t just supposed to happen. It’s a series of choices that I make or not that define whether or not something will happen for me. I have control over my life. I am the captain of this ship. I can steer it right around this world if I want to. Choices. That’s all it comes down to.
The things I’m not scared to ask for
1. Mr Right
In love, I’ve asked for the right guy to come along. He’ll be patient with me, he’ll be gentlemanly, he’ll be supportive, loving, and romantic. He’ll tell me his feelings, and we’ll take care of each other, but not in a codependent way. He’ll stand up for me and protect me. He’ll listen to me. He’ll make me feel like a priority. I know there are men out there who can give me this. One of the guys I recently dated was such an example, even if he had some issues. So I know he’ll come and I’ll know him when I’m truly ready.
2. Self-reliance and drive
Last week I had a complete love withdrawal, and I was a mess. I asked myself why couldn’t I be more resilient and self-reliant? Why do I always seek external validation? Why can’t I do my own self-validation? So this is also something that I want. I want to be more reliant on me. I want to be comfortable being alone, whether or not Mr Right is in my life right now. I need now more than ever to focus on myself, the one thing I can control, and to go after my goals and desires like I’ve never done before. I need to do that. Since New Years I’ve wanted that, because life is short, and the biggest thing I’ll regret if I were to die tomorrow is that.
The main thing I’m scared to ask for
Now when it comes to logistics and career, that’s where the problem lies. Yes, my dream is to live in the UK. To live in Europe even. To live somewhere by myself, in a big, loft-style apartment with many large windows where I have a lovely scenic view, maybe an ocean view. In it I work for myself. I have the luxury of being able to work from home, and to make money from creating from my laptop. Sometimes I’ll even go out for meetings. And I’m also much slimmer and I’m happier because I’m living the life I’ve always wanted. In this dream I’m alone. But that’s okay. I’m just so amazingly together and content and most importantly, at peace.
But I don’t know how to get there. I don’t know how it will all work out. Part of the way I planned to get there was by doing my masters in the UK, and hopefully finding a way to stay. And I just feel like my dream guy is waiting out there. I don’t believe he’s here in Trinidad. But there’s so much uncertainty to this plan. And lack of funds. I lack the funding to be able to pull it off right now. So it’s probably why I’m scared to ask for this one.
I read a Quora answer that made achieving one’s goals all sound so simple. But I’m sure it wasn’t. It involved consistent work. And right now I feel like I’m probably too lazy to do the work. Or, maybe it’s still fear that’s holding me back. Fear of disappointment. Fear of failure. Fucking fear. The worst.
But doesn’t everything work out anyway?
Now I’ve come to realise that everything always works out for me, somewhat, somehow. Anything I’ve wanted, I’ve gotten. When I wanted to get out of my business after I felt unappreciated and undermined, I did that no problem. Sure it was a little messy and some discomfort was involved, but I did get out. Recently I was running low on funds, and was worried I wouldn’t get paid in time (I get paid by cheque and I usually get paid after each monthly period). Well, within three days of submitting my invoice, I got paid! No longer did I have to worry about being able to pay my bills on time, phew!
Time after time I’ve proven the principle ‘everything will work out’. So why do I still doubt its power? Why am I afraid to actively use it? Maybe I’m worried because I don’t want to do something risky, as if I yelled ‘catch me’ in an empty room and expect for someone to still have my back as I fall backwards.
I just want to be okay. I can’t wait for all of this to be behind me, when everything would finally appear so simple.
