Last weekend I had the privilege of learning that my ex moved on. Trust me, I didn’t actively seek out this information. Rather, it came up while one of my friends and I were talking. He mentioned someone he saw recently and I then brought up an incident involving that person and my ex.
Later on, my friend said, “Do you know that your ex has a girlfriend?”
My blood ran cold. “What? Um, no I don’t.”
“Well, yeah, he has a girlfriend. I didn’t know we were still friends on Facebook. I saw his new girlfriend post pictures of the two together.”
I had no idea what to say. Somehow I felt, well, bothered. Funny that I could feel that way when I thought I felt nothing any more for my ex.
My friend then apologised, thinking that I knew, although suggesting that someone had to keep tabs on my ex to keep me informed. Yeah, I don’t know about that, lol. Anyway, the following is what I did after being privy to that information.
1. Feel the rage
In one of my recent posts, I mentioned why I took a break from music, and that it was because of him. Well after finding out that he had moved on, I felt really annoyed. Here I was, afraid of getting back into a relationship, and afraid of working on music, while he could do both as if nothing ever happened? How unfair is that!
2. Feel the jealousy
It’s no surprise that I was also a bit jealous to learn that he had a new girl in his life. I was wondering if she was prettier than me, or slimmer than me. I was wondering if she’s also black (apparently she’s Indian). But I was truly jealous perhaps because he had someone to be intimate with, while I didn’t.Towards the end of my 40 day ‘fast’ from dating (it ended last Sunday btw), I was starting to really long for a guy who I could talk to, who cared about what I was up to every day, and who I could be romantic with. As much as it was fun becoming more resilient and more self-assured, I still missed this. And nothing is wrong with that. We all have a need to be loved and cared for. People be lonely!
3. Feel the (brief) sadness
There’s of course the realisation that the relationship is truly over. Sure it had been over for months, but when your ex moves on it brings on an extra sense of finality. Now, as you know, I had moved on too a long time ago, choosing to date some guys a few months after we broke up. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was also dating at that same time too. But I guess there was still a part of me that was still asking ‘why couldn’t we have worked out’. There’s still a part of me that cherishes the moments we had together. We really had some lovely times together, I won’t lie. But it didn’t change the fact that we weren’t right for each other. And that’s something I fundamentally understand, despite my belying emotions.
4. Come to a realisation
At some point, while I was driving myself crazy with all this inner self-talk and self-imposed emotional turmoil, a thought came to me. What does this take from you? And the answer is nothing. Absolutely nothing.
The thing is I chose to break up with him a for a multitude of reasons, and they were the right ones. And obviously he was going to move on some day, as did I. What he now does with his life is absolutely his business and it has nothing to do with me. And in the future, perhaps if anyone has any future info to share with me about my ex, you should keep it to yourself. It is not my business, and I really truly do not care to know.
I actually thought it was hilarious that for someone I no longer want, I felt bothered to know that he moved on. But I know it’s normal. I was just pleased to discover that finding out he moved on didn’t make me want him back.
5. Wish him the best
I know my ex doesn’t need my blessings or best wishes, so this was probably more for me than it was for him. I wished him the best. I hope he’s happy with this new girlfriend. I hope he gets what he’s looking for in her. In doing so I wanted to make peace with the situation and let go of any latent feelings I may have had for him.
At the end of the day, moving on isn’t some race or some competition. Moving on is about doing what’s best for you and your wellbeing. Moving on doesn’t also necessarily mean moving on to a new relationship. In that sense, I’d already moved on. I decided to move on by learning from my mistakes and working on myself, making myself the best me possible. Making this time for me and my goals was the best thing that I could have ever done.
And in terms of relationships, I know I’m right in choosing to forgo a relationship for as long as possible. I’m not ready yet. I’ll only be ready when I’ve become more secure and emotionally healthy, and when I’ve completed my main goals. So at the end of the day, no one ‘won’. We are both just doing what we think is best for ourselves.
6. Tell my girlfriends
Well, despite my ‘moment of truth’, of course I still had to let the girls know. Isn’t that a ‘tradition’, after all? I briefly told them that he moved on and my epiphany about it all. One of my girl friends said, “Don’t worry, she’s just a rebound.” I laughed. Ritual complete! We might tell our friends because we want them to have our backs, and I suppose to inflate our egos just a smidge. And let’s just say I am not above a good old ego boost.
7. Move on too
Rest assured that I’m fine. I wondered if I would have been as bothered if I was in a relationship, and I probably would not have been. I was still worried the next day that the news would bother me, and sure enough, the thoughts about my ex’s new relationship still pervaded the next day. But that said, I didn’t let those thoughts get me down and was still able to get things done. I knew that over time the effect of that news would dissipate until it no longer bothered me. It’s now been a week since I found out, and I’m doing really okay. I am living my life the best way I know how right now, and I’m fine with that.
