Welcome to my first ever book review! Today I look at the book Attached, what it’s about, and what I learned. Without further ado, let’s go!
Brief Background
So before I discuss the book, I just wanted to give a brief background about how I came to read it. Last year, my then-boyfriend and I were having lots of problems, so I took it upon myself to register us both for a relationship course. I’d also started online therapy. During the course, my relationship coach introduced us to the concept of attachment styles. Well, for me it was a re-introduction, because I heard of the concept before, but it didn’t hold my attention then as it did this time. I then told my therapist how I wanted to learn more about attachment styles, and she recommended some books to me. Attached was one of them.
What it’s about
Attached is a book written by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. In this book, they discuss the three main attachment styles: the secure attachment type, the anxious attachment type, and the avoidant attachment type. The theory of attachment systems was first observed among children, where scientists researched how children responded to their mothers when they abandoned them in play rooms. This was called the ‘strange situation test’. Later on, it was discovered that these attachment types were also present in adults. It’s believed that we display these attachment styles in romantic relationships.
The three main attachment types
So, what are these attachment types like? I’ll start with the anxious type. The anxious type desires a lot of closeness from their partner. This is the type that is often labelled as ‘needy’ or ‘codependent’. They get anxious when they don’t hear from their partner in a timely manner. If there’s any conflict in the relationship, it can also breed anxiety in the anxious type. Basically, the anxious type can only relax when their needs for closeness have been met, and their relationship is conflict-free. They’re also not very good with communicating how they feel, so if there is conflict, they are more likely to resort to silent treatment or yelling to get their feelings across.
The secure attachment type, like the anxious type, also desires closeness. However, their attachment system doesn’t get as easily triggered as the anxious type in the absence of communication or presence of conflict with their partner. In times of conflict, they are much better with communication, and make their concerns known in a clear and direct manner.
The last main attachment type, the avoidant, is the least concerned with closeness. While they do desire intimacy like the other two types, they often seek to detach if they feel like they’ve received too much closeness. These are the types that are often accused of sending mixed messages, where one second they proclaim they love you but the next they are nowhere to be found. In conflict, this type usually shuts down and withdraws, and also has some difficulty in communicating in a direct and clear manner.
Attached covered each of these types in detail and also gave tips on how each type could get the loving relationship that they deserve.
What this means for relationships
Attached explained that the ideal relationship is experienced when two people in a relationship have a secure attachment type. For the other types, they too can achieve a satisfying relationship once they are involved with a partner bearing a secure attachment type. It turns out that when you’re with a secure partner, it brings about a stabilising effect, and can help the less secure partner to become more secure.
Now, it is common for anxious types and avoidants to become romantically involved. In fact, it’s very common, and this book explains why. This relationship isn’t recommended, as it may never be mutually satisfying for both persons. However, once both partners are willing to provide each other with what they need, something that doesn’t come natural to them of course, this type of couple can maintain some level of harmony.
What I learned
This book provided a quiz that help me to determine what attachment type I had, and also had guidelines to help me determine the attachment type of any love interest (the site for the book also has an online version of these tests). Through the tests, I learned that I was definitely an anxious type. I knew I was an anxious type even from simply reading the profile. Even though the anxious type gets a bad rep for being too needy, I learned that dependence is not a bad thing, and that it was in fact a trait that may have helped our ancestors to survive. I also learned that needing more closeness than the average person is not a bad thing.
In terms of relationships, I learned that secure types were better suited for me. This is because they also desire closeness, and could therefore give me what I need. They are also the type to show up consistently and clearly, and therefore not into the whole ‘hot and cold’ shtick that I hated with a passion.
I also confirmed that my ex was an avoidant type. Of couse the alarm bells immediately went off in my head. It was then clear as day why we had such a huge communication problem, why our fights seemed to go on days longer than they should have, and why he always seemed to push me away after a few days of affection. It was clear why I felt so disatisfied in my relationship. All those years I thought that he could change, and here this book was explaining that he couldn’t.
Of course, the book said that things could still work out for us as long as we were both ready, able and willing to provide each other with what was unnatural to us, so there was ‘hope’ for us. But I felt like I’d tried that oh so many times, to give him the space he always requested, and yet it never seemed like enough. I was frankly tired. I’d been through seven years of it. So obviously, learning about each other’s respective attachment styles was the turning point in our relationship, and led to our eventual breakup.
Would I recommend this book?
Oh absolutely. Attached is the book for you if you are having certain intimacy- and communication-related problems in your relationship. You can then decide if you’d want to save your relationship by giving your partner what they need, or break up and find a partner who can better provide you with your needs.
If you’re not in a relationship, then it can help you to figure out the attachment style of the person that you’re dating right from the start. It’s better to know that person’s attachment style ahead of time, particularly if you’re an anxious type. This is because they’re the types that easily get attached. This can help anxious types to avoid getting into relationships with avoidance, who we know are least likely to provide them with what they need.
If you do happen to read this book, tell me what you thought about it in the comments below. Did you like it? Was it just meh? Let me know!
