Positive Self-talk: It’s Good for Your Soul

I talk to myself. And no, that doesn’t make me crazy. I learned how to self-talk from my mom who often refers to herself as ‘Self’ when she does it. And no, my mom isn’t crazy either. I think I became a self-talker mainly because I am an introvert and would be alone by myself a lot. And no, I don’t have full conversations with myself. That would be crazy, wouldn’t it?

I actually see talking to myself as thinking out aloud. Sometimes it just happens unconsciously. It’s just sometimes I forget I’m in a public space when I do it, such that if someone is next to me they would ask me if I’m talking to them. Then I’d reply ‘oh no, I was actually talking to myself!’ And then they watch me funny. Anyway, sometimes I talk to myself to work out problems. As I think aloud, it helps me to ponder my thoughts and figure things out better. So my self-talk actually became my go-to problem-solving tool. 

The Worst Kind of Self-talk

This ’thinking aloud’ self-talk is just one variety of self-talk, but there is another kind that most people can identify with. That is negative self-talk. This one doesn’t happen externally but rather internally. When we do something that has an undesirable outcome, we internally berate ourselves for it. When we look at ourselves in the mirror and don’t like what we see, we internally humiliate ourselves for it. This is the most toxic kind of talk, and one that we need to train ourselves to get out of.

How I Overcame Negative Self-talk

In the last year, I managed to mostly overcome that negative self-talk. This was influenced by noticing how much I seek validation and approval from others. No, there’s nothing wrong with wanting others to point out your strengths and affirm your worth. But at the end of the day, the good feeling we get from these words of praise fade, and our negative self-talk returns, filling the void. Something is very wrong with that. 

To change this pattern of negative self-talk, I started off by writing a list of 28 things that I loved about me. Then I started trying a technique called mirror talk, where you stand in front of a mirror and stare straight ahead at yourself and talk in a positive way about yourself and your body. This one was very difficult at first. I didn’t like the way I looked. But I braved up and did it. At the end of my pep talk to myself, I even tried giving myself a hug. This hug was meant to represent acceptance of myself, flaws and all. Every time I did this, I broke down and cried. It was that difficult. 

But as with all things, it gets easier the more times you do it. In time I no longer cried when I affirmed my worth aloud. In fact, I smiled. Sometimes I would look at myself and think I was sexy, and I would say that. Eventually, it became automatic. Now if I’m in a bad mood, I say something comforting aloud to make myself feel better. Don’t worry, I do this when I’m alone, such as in the car on my way to work. I don’t want people to think I’m crazy, after all. 

How Positive Self-talk Has Changed My Life

Positive self-talk has become such a powerful tool in my life. I’m rarely in a bad mood now; I rarely have lows. It’s like I’ve become my very own best friend, and I love it. It’s like there are two Mes: the me me who runs things, and the cheerleader me, who’s my right-hand gal, always in my corner. Because I learned how to do this for myself, when people praise me or compliment me, it just feels like icing on the cake. I already believe what they say to be true, so it doesn’t really matter what anyone thinks of me. I already think I’m amazing, and that’s enough.

Lately, I realised that positive self-talk helps me to rely less on people’s words of comfort when something bad has happened. Not everyone would react to my bad news the way I would expect. And I shouldn’t expect this anyway, because everyone is different and will have their own opinions about things. But I often feel like I wish that someone would say the words I had in my head. The thing is, if someone won’t respond the way I would expect, what better way to fill that gap than to do it for myself? What makes my own comforting words any less important, relevant or valid? The answer is: none. Nothing is stopping you from giving yourself the feel-good boost you need today. It just comes down to whether you value it enough or not.