In case you missed it, I decided to declare the month of March ‘Feel Good Month’. But I’m starting to think the alternative title should be ‘Love Yourself Month’. A lot of the posts that I’ll be sharing this month are really about the concept of self-love and self-worth, which I think are key in the process of figuring one’s self out. Anyway, without further ado, here is my second special article for this anniversary month!
“We can’t be so desperate for love that we forget where we can always find it; within.”― Alexandra Elle
I didn’t always love myself. I didn’t always know how to treat myself well. For a long time, I took a lot of crap and gave some people – men in particular – way too many chances. Every time I did this and gave someone the chance to disrespect me or betray me, I would beat myself up internally. But then I learned to love myself and find my worth within myself and not within others. I didn’t need to base my worth on whether someone loved me or was interested in me or not. So what started off difficult eventually became easier as the love for myself grew. It became a lot easier to let go of the people who proved that they weren’t worthy to be in my life.
The Power of Loving Yourself
Self-love is so important. Without it, we allow ourselves to be swayed by others. We may end up doing things we said we would never do all in the name of ‘love’. We put others’ dreams and goals ahead of our own. We end up becoming a clone of the person we have become attached to, losing our own unique identity and voice in the process. We may also end up becoming codependent on this other person. These don’t sound like good things at all, right?
Well, that’s what I used to be before I learned to love myself and put myself and my needs first. I was an inauthentic version of myself. I was angry, irritable, lazy, and insecure. I took things very personally all the time. All when I knew that this was not the person I wanted to be. I wanted to be a person that I could see in the mirror and be proud of. I knew I was meant to be calm and serene and a joy to be around. And now I feel like I am pretty much near to that ideal version of myself.
How I Learned to Love Myself
1. Choosing my circle of friends wisely
Two years ago, around the time of my breakup, I also lost an uncle. Based on some things that happened afterwards during this moment of grief, particularly the unkind and unhelpful words from someone I thought could have been a mentor to me, I was ready to deactivate my Facebook account. This was customary whenever I got upset. But this time, I decided that I was done running away. Instead, I would remove everyone from my account who I felt didn’t truly support me and was simply cluttering my life. In learning to choose who I allow in my circle, this was the beginning of loving myself.
I know who my best friends are because of how they make me feel. I’m excited to be around them, and I love talking to them. We support each other and build each other up. By being aware of how good the right people in my life made me feel, I learned that I need to be around people who are warm, loving, giving, caring, driven, and positive.
I need people around me who value me just as much as I value them and would not take advantage of my good nature. I also need people who add value to my life, and not people who drain me of value. In a sense, I recognised that I deserved to be treated well, and that I valued quality, and not quantity, of friendships. By carefully choosing my circle, I never felt the need to deactivate my account again.
2. Affirming my worth and recognising my achievements
Then, last year, I noticed how much I relied on others to affirm my worth, to tell me that I was good enough. I decided that it was time to do that for myself. That maybe in learning how to affirm myself, I would become less dependent on others, men especially, for that sense of reassurance. And one of those things was positive self talk.
One of the other things that I did was keep a monthly track of all of my achievements and all of the things that I did for the first time. This list helped to reinforce how amazing, talented and fearless I was, and provided more motivation for me to keep doing more and living my life on my terms. And in time, I noticed something. I stood taller when I walked. I felt more comfortable in my body. I felt stronger, powerful and radiant. That’s when I knew that I was really in love with myself, and proud of who I had become.
Trust your gut
One of my achievements within the last year was learning to trust my gut. Based on the experiences that I had with my ex, my anxiety metre would go on high alert whenever someone did something that didn’t feel right to me. It allowed me to recognise behaviours that were not healthy for me, such as hot and cold behaviour, or emotional unavailability. It would remind me of where I had been and where I would never hope to be again. What used to feel like a curse is now my blessing, because it helps me to stay alert and ready to keep it moving if necessary.
So whether someone would say trust them, or that they weren’t my ex, I would instead rely on my gut as my compass, helping me to find my way around the truth and the bullshit. I’m so glad, because I’ve lived far too long to see for myself that trust is a precious commodity, and can’t be given out so blindly.
Never settle
I made a decision last year to never settle for anything less than what I deserve. And I deserve a man who matches or mostly matches my list of requirements that I created almost two years ago. Because I created this, I now have a frame of reference which I use to see if a man I’m seeing stacks up or comes up short. I believed that if I started saying no to the men I knew who were wrong for me, it would become easier to invite the man into my life who is right for me.
You shouldn’t have to do so much
I also believe in the path of least resistance. I no longer want stress in my life. Quite simply, I no longer want to ‘force a relationship’. Instead, I want a man to make a decision about me for himself. If I feel like I’m doing too much, it doesn’t make me feel high-value.
I believe that a woman shouldn’t have to chase a man. If he’s interested, he’ll show you. He’ll move mountains just to be with you. If he’s not, then nada. So when I notice that I’m showing my interest and a guy isn’t being receptive in the way one would typically expect (finding reasons to talk to you, flirting with you, and of course, asking you out), then clearly this guy is not interested. This man doesn’t see my worth. Too bad, but it’s okay.
The path of least resistance also includes no more trying to make things work with someone who clearly isn’t right for me. It’s not my job to inspire someone to change into the ‘perfect’ man for me. They either are or they aren’t. And especially when I’ve clearly communicated my boundaries and a man continually breaks them, then that man has shown that he doesn’t really care about me and has no respect for me. Such a man isn’t worthy of any more of my time or care.
Connections don’t always equal happy ever after
One of the things that I learned within the last few months is that not every connection automatically means a happy ever after. We may click with others and feel a strong connection, but a healthy relationship isn’t simply based on a connection. It’s also built on maturity, trust, communication and commitment. A connection simply starts the fire. The other ingredients fan the flames.
Many times you might feel like someone has all of the requirements that you desire, but if they’re not okay emotionally, if they still have a lot going on in their life, if they’re not healthy, then they won’t be able to truly give you what you deserve consistently. That’s a whole lot of pressure for a new relationship. I believe that it is a mistake and a fallacy to spend time waiting around just for things to ‘work out’. Instead of waiting around for that person to truly be ready, I instead go by this simple premise: if they aren’t exactly what I’m looking for right now, they may probably never be what I’m looking for in the future.
Learning this has helped me to let go of lingering thoughts when I wonder why things with someone I had a strong connection with didn’t work out. If it is meant to be, it will be. And maybe it will in the future one day, but the point is that it’s not meant to be right now. The only thing you can do right now is do you and keep it moving. Not every relationship is meant to last. Sometimes we are in relationships simply to learn things and then move on. In these kind of relationships, we learn more about ourselves, what we can handle and what we cannot, and use these lessons to guide us to the person of our dreams.
You deserve the best
I know I’m meant for greatness. I believe that I deserve the best. That also includes having the best circle of friends around me. And I finally have a high-value opinion of myself. Because I love myself, I will no longer tolerate disrespect, discourtesy, hot and cold behaviour, or anything related. Which is why today, tomorrow, and every other day of my life, I intend to always, always, always, love myself and put myself first, and never settle for anything less.
