My life changed on December 31st, 2016 when I learned of my aunt’s passing. Even just writing that line makes me tear up a bit. My aunt battled with cancer once many years before, but was diagnosed again with that awful thing back in December 31st, 2015. During the year 2016, she made significant improvement through chemotherapy. By August 2016, the cancer was thankfully back in remission. And yet she got sick again anyway. I’m not sure if it was cancer for a third time, or just a side effect of the chemotherapy. Needless to say, she was back in the hospital and her life sadly came to an end on December 30, 2016 at age 56, virtually a full year after receiving the diagnosis.
When I heard the news, I was in Tobago with my friend. We had planned to celebrate the new year at a fancy beach party in Mt Irvine where you had to be decked out in white. I’d wanted to celebrate the new year with a bang. I just wasn’t expecting such news on the eve of the new year. But then again, I had. Just the day before, I wrote a recap of the year, and expressed a sad thought that I wasn’t sure she would make it into the new year. It turned out that thought came true. I was devastated and inconsolable.
Mind you, my aunt and I weren’t close, but I believe we shared a bond anyway. My dad often compared me to my aunt. We’re both left-handed. We’re both very giving, principled and morally upright people. We both crave adventure and don’t mind travelling solo. We’re both talented at piano and singing. We also both like to ‘cock up our feet and skin up’ on the living room chair, to my parent’s chagrin! It was apparently not very lady-like, but I don’t care. So basically, when she died, I felt like I lost this part of me. And considering how sad the latter years of her life had been, the news of her death basically scared me.
In as few words as possible, I believe she came to Maryland to pursue a dream with her husband, I guess that ‘American dream’ we so often hear about. What she got in return, I think, was a life that didn’t meet those expectations. It ended up being a life filled with constant layoffs, living issues and health woes. I worried about this woman who had such a bright future ahead of her, who had all these dreams and things she must have wanted to do with her life, but who instead had to settle for and make the best of a bad situation.
It killed me to think that she may have died with regret about all the things she wanted to do but couldn’t. This was such a life that I didn’t want to lead. So that day, New Years Eve, I resolved that in 2017 I would dedicate it to her. I would live my life to the fullest and go hard after my dreams. I would do everything I ever wanted to do as if tomorrow would be my last. In short, I would live bravely and boldly.
In January, my dad’s family held a beautiful memorial service for her. It turned out that my aunt may not have lived a life full of regret after all. I learned that she was someone who never left anything to the last minute. She always had to do things NOW. I basically learned that the version of the aunt I knew wasn’t in fact close to what she was in reality. I was nothing like her after all. Even up to today, I still procrastinate and sometimes leave things to the last minute, either because I’m scared I’ll mess it up, or because I’m just too tired.
Nevertheless, I know her death triggered in me something I already knew: I don’t want to die with regret. I want to live a fulfilling life. I want to have all the things I ever wanted. But I still have some figuring out to do. I still need to figure out what it is I actually want and who I want to be. Sure, I have some vague idea, but it’s not a clear picture as yet. I can only make that picture clear once I start to dedicate some time to working on myself, but I’ve been procrastinating on that too. Go figure.
But as for living bravely and boldly in 2017? I’ve sure got that covered. So far I’ve been a lot more socially and physically active. I’ve been doing yoga at home and attending weekly yoga classes. I’ve been travelling solo and trying new things like parasailing and scuba diving. I even finally got a tattoo, something I’ve wanted since I was 22 or so, but couldn’t figure out what I wanted (more on that later). I’ve been dating more, and even taking myself out on dates. So far I think I’ve been doing okay, but there’s still just that pesky matter of what I want to do, where I want to be, who I want to become, and how do I figure all of that out.
